consumption addict

i have been experiencing quite a few midget-related incidents recently, and i feel they should be shared with the group. my love for little people is well known, so if you’re not hip to my style by now click this link and come back after you’ve taken some notes.

the wee shenanigans started last wednesday when kara (who recently celebrated her 26th birthday) sent me the following jpeg attached to an email:

shit, i would have applauded too. kara was confounded as to why the authorities needed to collect the trampoline for forensic analysis. the device clearly was functioning correctly… but let’s be real. you know the cops wanted physical evidence for when they tell the story to their friends and co-workers. i wish i had kept some souvenirs from hilarious episodes in my own life… i imagine those cops jumped at the opportunity.

a second little person incident occurred the next day. at work i was roaming the halls of a middle school when i crossed paths with three students – one of whom was a midget. at the very moment it dawned on me to mock him under my breath, shorty decided he needed to tie his shoelace. predictably, the other two boys walking behind him didn’t notice the midget stooping. both kids tripped over the little guy – tumbling forward like olympic gymnasts and finally face-planting on the hard tile floor. SPLAT. good times.

the final midget moment of the week occurred just today, and of the three is was my favorite. as karmic retribution for mocking children, the front passenger side tire on my car blew out (during a driving rainstorm, thank you very much). changing the tire was no fun, and neither was the $200 charge for a replacement or the two and a half hour wait for installation the following day. needless to say i was in a foul mood while sitting in the waiting room stewing in my own rage.

that anger subsided a great deal when the third midget of my week waddled on in to the lobby. in his tiny hands he carried the ubiquitous cardboard satchel that contains mcdonald’s happy meals. “awesome,” i thought. this tiny bastard was going to chow down on a tiny lunch, and i would be able to observe. unfortunately watching the mcperson eat mcnuggets wasn’t as fascinating as i’d hoped. it was all i could do to keep from staring, and the dude was very aware of my fascination being that we were the only people in the room.

i decided to distract myself by standing at the glass double doors while trying to figure out which car (or hopefully – giant sport utility vehicle) the midget had driven to the store in. it was while i was staring off into the distance that i first heard the sound:

not three individual hiccups, mind you. these were three consecutive hiccups – in rapid succession – all issued from inside the tiny person sitting across the room. i could feel the torrent of laughter building up inside me. i looked at the midget as he started to hiccup again. i noticed that the hiccups not only came in threes, but the spasm also lifted him off his feet. with that observation made, i couldn’t hold back any longer. like a small child being tickled against his will, i let out a belly laugh that left me gasping for air.

the midget wasn’t amused. he stormed past me and took to the street… hiccuping and making three little hops the entire way. a few minutes later the auto service guy dropped in on the waiting room and made a point of calling me a jackass. this was probably true, and best believe i made sure all the bolts on my tire were fastened tightly before i drove home. the laugh was worth taking my life into my hands, however.

thus, my midget trilogy came to a spectacular end.

-takes bow-

*hic*