born again virgins.

loose women, rejoice.

you know who i’m talking about.  don’t act like you don’t know your way around a throbbing HEY NOW look at this creepy item available on the internet.  dig the propaganda:

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.
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Feature:

• Easy to use
• Place inside vagina 15-20 minutes before intercourse
• Soluble and expandable at body heat
• Clinically proven non-toxic to human
• No side effects, no pain to use, no allergic reaction
• Made in Japan   (LINK)

its the trickle of fake blood that closes the deal for me.

despite the clever special effects, ladies you should keep in mind that this kit does not include awkward squeals and/or that look of horror when you realize this sketchbag will always live in your memory as “your first.”  no, to pull off a virginal chicanery you’ll have to supply those all by yourself.   good luck with that.

lets also take a moment to acknowledge how wonderfully depraved the people of japan truly are.  lets also take a moment to acknowledge that we now have a pill to make guys hard, and a gizmo that re-enacts the breaking of hymens… but still no cure for cancer.  the human race truly does deserve the grizly fate we’ve carved out for ourselves.  at least we’ll go out fucking (some of us, anyway)…

oh yeah – welcome to 2009.