leave britney alone.

i swear – i’m only a starfucker in my dreams.

******

the other night my brain conjured up a classic dream, and luckily i was coherent enough to scribble down some notes as soon as i woke. i invite you all to deconstruct away. check this out…

on tv it’s the season finale of saturday night live, and eddie murphy is the guest host. in my dream, i remember being psyched to watch it because eddie as the host would probably make for some funny skits (for once). to add to the hilarity, the musical guest for the season finale was britney spears. somehow i knew they’d incorporate her into a comedy skit as well. sure enough, within a couple of minutes my prediction came true.

the first skit had eddie murphy managing a baseball team, and britney was on the mound pitching. eddie is trying to convince her that she shouldn’t be nervous, and that she’ll do a great job getting hitters out because the other team sucks. that being said, the first batter to the plate: stevie wonder.

first pitch? pow – she plunks stevie in the head rather brutally, because naturally he didn’t see the baseball coming. this moment was clearly unscripted, so eddie murphy is in the dugout laughing his ass off (you know the laugh i mean, right?). while britney is busy looking mad embarrassed, stevie wonder staggers up the third base line for a few feet before the next batter runs along side him and points dude in the right direction. among the studio audience hilarity ensues.

britney is so ashamed at the fact she couldn’t get a blind man out that she becomes distracted. eddie murphy adds to her humiliation by clowning her mercilessly – “bitch, your AIM is toxic” – and so fourth. the little hayseed becomes so enraged at his ridiculing that she decides the best course of action is to try and pick stevie wonder off the base (as if his blind ass was going to steal second). bad, bad move.

as one might expect, britney spears chucks the ball wildly into right field. the first base coach hollers at stevie wonder to “RUN!” sure enough, in a flash there is a blind pop music icon sprinting along the basepaths with his braids flapping in the wind behind him. then… FWAP! dude trips over second base and faceplants into the dirt. none of britney’s team-mates have tracked down the ball because they’re all doubled over laughing. stevie picks himself off the ground, and then sprints for and eventually rounds third base.

by the time stevie wonder crosses home plate britney spears is sitting on the pitcher’s mound sobbing her face off and wiping snot off with her sleeve. while scores of enterprising SNL viewers are rolling back their DVRs in order to preserve this moment for a youtube video, the one person on the planet who is feeling sorry for the weeping rube is stevie wonder himself. he felt so bad that once the show went to commercial, he pulled the poor chickenhead aside and tried to console her. now… this is where the dream gets WEIRD.

weirder.

stevie wonder felt all sorts of guilty for contributing to the further public humiliation of this trailer trash diva. in order to cleanse his own conscience and do right by the poor girl, stevie decides to offer up his songwriting services and access to his music industry connections in order to help revive her career. consider him a blind “captain save-a-hoe.” britney may be a doofus, but she’s smart enough to accept this offer.

in no small part due to the antics on saturday night live, the next few months saw britney spears’ public persona becoming even more of a joke than it already was. but while people were busy clowning her mercilessly, brit was in the lab with stevie wonder and quincy jones putting together a comeback record. since nobody was aware of the heavyweights who involved in her project, most people looked forward to bashing her forthcoming album. instead the critics and most all music listeners are shocked to discover that her new release, titled “blind leading the dumb,” is a masterpiece.

yes, really.

by the time grammy night comes around, the secret is out about the stevie wonder and britney spears collaboration. during her acceptance speech for album of the year brit and stevie launch into a profanity laden tirade against all her haters that culminates in a “fuck you” diatribe similar to the one scarface does in the movie half baked:

as time passes, the redneck and the blind guy become great friends and long time collaborators. when stevie wonder finally dies (from brain trauma caused by a baseball striking him in the cranium), britney sings at his funeral.

around there is where i woke up – chuckling my ass off.

ok…what the fuck is all THAT about?