hilarious complication.

so check this out…

there is a woman at my work who just returned to the job after having some cosmetic surgery done. it wasn’t a secret – in fact she was quite cool with informing everyone who bothered to listen that she was having blepharoplasty. for those of us too young to know what the fuck that means, its the clinical term for an eye tuck. this lady had a full set of samsonite baggage on her face.

i have to admit – her face does look better. better is a relative term, of course. the woman’s ocular region used to look like my wrinkly ball sack, which is to be expected considering that she is a 55+ year old chain smoker. still, the woman – who i will hence fourth refer to as patty – returned to work today after a surprisingly long absence considering the type of surgery she had. as it turns out her prolonged absence was due to a hilarious (to me) complication with her procedure.

the surgeon who preformed the operation was a wee bit overzealous when it came to removing some of the sagging skin around patty’s eyes. once he was done cutting and sewing her eyelids back together, they were so taut that she can no longer close them. let me say that again. this crazy bitch can no longer close her eyes all the way.

no, i’m not making this up. for the rest of her stupid life stupid patty’s eyes will remain partly open. yes… forevah-ever. believe me, i zenith in person: patty’s eyes only close about 80-85% of the way shut. this fact is hysterical to me on a number of levels.

first, the whole point of the procedure was to remove any negative attention from her eyes. but now she’s forced to moisten them with drops every 30 minutes or so. forever. its rather difficult to ignore the eyes of an old lady with mascara running down her face who is applying visene every time you look up. never mind the fact that she’s going to have to explain to people why she is doing this for the rest of her wretched days. but in my humble opinion, that is far from the best aspect of her misfortune.

because patty can no longer completely close her eyes, she has not been able to get a good night’s sleep in weeks. blackout curtains, eye masks, sleeping pills… none of these measures have relieved her insomnia. exposure to the tiniest bit of light and the dryness of her eyes conspire to rob patty of sleep. therefore – by virtue of her inability to catch some ZZZ’s, she SHOULD have bags under her eyes. but hilariously enough, her eyes still look fucking great from the surgery! at all times patty appears to be spry and well-rested. never in a million years would you guess that this silly wench has been half-awake for 2 weeks running.

it’s as if mother nature, along with the concept of vanity itself, are throwing double middle fingers at this lady. “WHAT NOW, self-absorbed bitch?!”

the clowning of this woman literally made my day… and it also forced me to recall my former favorite cosmetic surgery mishap (remember THIS sad sack of shit?). good times. how long until this lady gives up on life and drives her car off a bridge into the sea? i’m betting 3 months, but i’m willing to field other wagers on this page.