it’s the thought that counts.
nothing screams “happy holidays!” like mocking obese children.
’tis the season, yadda yadda yadda. fuck all that. you know what’s good this time of year?
GIFTS.
wanton consumption. people buying shit they don’t need – but really REALLY want.
don’t get me wrong… as much as i adore others bestowing giftage upon me, i actually do enjoy giving as well. for example, if i were going to buy each of my regular readers an x-mas present -
WHICH I’M NOT
- here are some of the things i would purchase:
layla marie – a fat baby keychain. yeah, i’m into some creepy shit but your fetishes are far more subversive than mine.
pemora – a weekend excursion to paris. lets face it – with that new bambino in tow your domi/rican ass is not going to have a fashionista getaway anytime soon. enjoy that motherhood!
kara t – a tanning bed. you my friend are perhaps the whitest white person i have ever known… and i once lived next door to a family of albinos. you live in southern california, for christmas sake. i think you should forego an actual bed and just sleep in one of these. its THAT serious.
saucy z – a mail sorter. scoff at this cheap ass gift all you want, but wait until shannon & justin’s unopened mail starts to pile up on top of the washing machine outside your bedroom. fyi – don’t throw out any letters for troy miller.
erika – a “get out of jail free” card. the big question is: should you use it for yourself (lord knows you’ll need it) or will you pass it along to a certain R.I. convict doing hard time? good luck with that decision.
k.c. – the password to a certain section on my favorite hip hop bulletin board. yeah, this present wont cost me any money but i BET you’d enjoy it more than most of the expensive gifts you may cop this year (cough###fr33*h!ph0p*mu$!c###cough).
lady valentin – tattoo removal. sure the tramp stamp looks mad sexy now, but beware – 40 year olds with tatts over their booty look like they sat on a pack of broken sharpies.
heather – 1 hour alone with andre benjamin and/or james spader. just never, ever, ever tell me about it. ever. i think i just threw up in my mouth.
encide – prolonged coitus with many white girls. for no particular reason other than i think you need to get laid, homie.
huck – a map of the carribean. mexico does not equal puerto rico, jackass.
as for kati, acid, state of grace, big nasty, anp, darcy, glory, etc… no imaginary presents for you.
stingy bastards. try leaving some more comments.
******
oh yeah. not that any of you ASKED… but below you will find links to my own holiday wish list. notice how sensible i am? not one item retails for more than $150.
go ahead, buy something. you know you love me.
although i can totally see you as a calvin & hobbes fan, i also thought you would throw in ‘boondocks’. what, not a fan of brown kids calling santa a “bitch ass ni–a?”
thank you for my imaginary gift. i’m still (slightly) bitter that we had to cancel our trip to amsterdam because that was the week i found out i was knocked up. man, that would’ve been a fabulous excursion (read = lifted).
what, are hash brownies supposed to be bad for expecting mothers?
man – i luhh the boondocks. i’m asking for that calvin and hobbes because its a complete collection of all the strips ever. if aaron magruder wants to release a book just like it, i’m so down.
You know what I’m down for? ANYTHING that has to do with YOU.
I would so rock a fat baby key chain everywhere I went.
so true…thanks jay! but i already told u that.
down with the slappy machine!!!! bwwoooohahahahahaha
i think the password was in there somewhere. but not sure.
how about this…piano lessons for the password? sounds good to me.
http://www.gopiano.com
:O)
Whoot! You know how I know you’re right? I had to google ‘platano’ when I read it on your comments.
*sigh
My apologies for burning your retinas.
i reeeeeeeally want that password, son!
kara - your default position on anything i say should be “he’s right.” c’mon now.
k.c. - email me (kara has the addy if you don’t) and i’ll hit you off with the p-word, son.
i sooo need piano lessons, though. i want to be the guy who out of nowhere busts out a solo at random christmas parties:
- “who WAS that dashing latino tickling the ivory with such aplomb?”
- “i don’t know, but i sure wish he was tickling my vulva as elegantly as he plucks at those keys.”
and so fourth.
Only you can make piano playing raunchy.
Mexico and Puerto Rico are two different places? Who knew?
AHAHHAHAHAH OMG… LOL
Yo im good til 40 cuz my moms still got a bangin ass body so ima be one sexy tattoo’d up tramp stamp having 40somethin year old!
Just an hour hu? Well, I am sure that I could come up with SOMETHING. It just may not be legal in Singapore. At least I will have something to dwell on. Thanks for the pretend gift!
Size 11.5……hu.
LV – when i read that all i could think of was chris tucker in “friday” talking about “her momma got ass too…”
heather - pfft, like you never admired the size of my feet.
any more than an hour and i would have to gouge out my soul with a plastic spork. pretend gift, ay? check your mail, sunshine.