hollywood slutteratti.

can’t. stop. spinning.

driving in los angeles just got a little more dangerous.

the new trend in hollywood is for celebrity skanks to get as shit-faced as possible and then go out for a nice little drive. that sucks, because i have to live here in l.a. i admit, its mildly amusing that paris, nicole, and now lindsay have all copped multiple DUIs and jail time. and if it were up to me i’d like to see them all catch toxic shock syndrome and die slow. but the problem is that they just started a trend that might end up with me immolated in a fiery wreck on hollywood boulevard. this is something that i am not currently cool with.

remember a few years ago when all the celebrity chicks were flashing their goodies? one after the other – boom – there’s a pussy shot. then comes a sex tape. and i’ve got to believe that these things were done intentionally. i suspect that back in 2000 about ten or so teenaged celebrity hussies had a meeting up in malibu. one of these bitches (and i suspect it’s paris…she’s like the evil overlord) dared the rest of them to be as trashy and slutty and drunk and grotesque as possible. since we all know pretty girls don’t have to think, all of the trollops got on board. popular culture has been syphillitic ever since.

and by the way… i was ok with that.

look, if you choose to identify with the lifestyles of the insipid and vapid – live your life (i’m going to mock you, but thats just my part to play). but now the antics of the hollywood slutteratti are being inflicted on the public at large. face it – these bitches are dumb, and they’re followers. how much do you want to bet that lindsay lohan won’t be the last hussy that gets hemmed up for drunk driving? more are coming… and if its a trend, then the law of averages says that one of these times someone will get hurt. the slutteratti currently does not have a body count, but give it a minute… that train should be rolling through town right soon.

oddly enough, i’m a little disappointed by lindsay lohan’s DUI. she cut the line as far as socially unacceptable infractions go. i feel cheated out of the lohan sex tape that seemed way overdue. now she’s already leapfrogged to convict slut status? blasphemy.

look bitch, you owe everyone sex tape footage. because i care about your career, i’m willing to sacrifice myself in the hopes that our sex tape will restore balance to the natural order of things. i implore you, miss lohan… please back that ass up.

*******

on the subject of asses…

its this wide…

big shout to the #1 ranked member of the latina slutteratti… jennifer lopez turned 38 today. as one of the 7 ricans in los angeles, i feel a little offended that i was not invited to “madre’s” for a drink or two. i thought there was some love for the fellow puerto-rocks, jenny from the block? not if that block is south of the 10, i guess.

to get back in the good graces of j-lo, here is some shine for her new flick. its about hector lavoe – who is the latest legendary musician to have a biopic made about his life. if you never heard of dude, then you probably never listened to salsa in your house as a kid. him and willie colon ran shit in the late 70s – early 80s. because i’m a man of the people, you can do the knowledge by checking out this playlist, then downloading the little sample mix here. you can also check out the trailer for “el cantante” starring jenny and her husband skeletor (a.k.a. marc anthony):