she’s not retarded.

i’ll see you there.

last week my friend ana regaled me with a story about some guy she dated who had a speech impediment. now… i LOVE stories that include damaged humans. you know an amputee? i’m spellbound. friends with a stutterer? i’m intrigued. acquainted with a midget? i’ll fucken giggle like a japanese schoolgirl. and while ana’s story was entertaining, the whole tale conjured an anecdote of my own that i would like to share.

like so many of my sketchy recollections, this story takes place in college. my fraternity was scheduled to throw a party with a sorority down the street (which was renowned for its uglies). i’m not sure why – perhaps so that hard up fellows like myself would get some play? seems plausible. whatever the reason, everyone in the house was dreading this night and the few people who did attend were there reluctantly.

when alcohol is your bloodstream it does level the playing field, however. by 11:30 the gaggle of fugly became increasingly more attractive. i even managed to scope out a particularly lovely young lady who it seemed nobody was talking to. i swooped in with a charming little smile and pulled her to the floor for a dance. one dance became four. the girl in the ugly sorority was throwing back cup after cup of our mystery drink the whole time. it seemed like she would be easy pickings.

we finally got to talking when i began to notice something strange. this girl’s body language suggested that she was only mildly tipsy, but when she began to speak it was a whole other story. she spoke like she had been drinking herself blind for hours. actually, it sort of sounded like that old “got milk” commercial…

AWWOOHHNN BWUUURRR!

i tried not to be rude about it, but her inability to speak was becoming annoying. could i really hook up with a girl *this* drunk? i remember thinking “i’m brown – if things with this retarded sounding broad end badly this could easily turn into a court case.” when mush-mouth left to have a quick parlay with her grody friends, i broke down the situation to this kid named “broz.”

he agreed to observe our conversation, and then weigh in with his opinion afterwards. however, when she returned it was all…

CHICK: shaawlly, bwuhh muhh fwends shway i gowwa guh howme.
RICAN: guh?
CHICK: gowwa guh howwmmme. i’mm LEEEABBING.
RICAN: guh howme? but why? your friends are big – BIG – girls. they’ll get home safe.
CHICK: eets ohhwkayy. eyeee-muh gwunna shee yoooh uhgen, uh-kayy?

and she was off – whisked away into the night by a flock of ugly ducklings. i turned to broz – who had been listening intently – and asked him

“so what do you think? is she retarded?”
“no, dumbass. she’s not retarded. YOU’RE retarded. she’s DEAF.”

wait…what?
(haha)

now it all made sense. the mildly attractive girl in a gargoyle filled sorority. the wild hand gestures made by her friends. the creepy way she kept looking at my mouth. her inability to stay on beat while dancing. and of course…the speech impediment.

i wish i could say this story ends with me hooking up with the deaf girl. i must admit – i’m shallow. when i considered that i would never hear this girl’s voice without thinking of “sloth” from the goonies the attraction vanished. nevertheless… whenever i watch tv with the closed captioning on, whenever somebody in traffic flips me the bird, and whenever i see marlee matlin in a movie… i think back to what might have been.

******

so much for deaf people. on to amputee news…
remember how geeked i was the other day about six flags and roller coaster fun? yeah, good thing i visited the park before this happened in kentucky:

Girl’s Feet Cut Off At Six Flags

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Police confirmed that a girl’s feet have been cut off at Six Flags’ Kentucky Kingdom.

Officials said they got the call around 5 p.m. Thursday, and both her feet were detached at the ankle.

According to MetroSafe dispatch supervisors, the girl was riding the Superman Tower of Power, which is 177 feet tall and drops riders at 54 miles per hour. According to Kentucky Kingdom, the girl was injured when the ride malfunctioned.

On scene EMT personnel were on hand to immediately transport the girl to a hospital.

The ride was shut down and will remain so until a full investigation has been completed. link