the briny deep.

almost… 

because you people asked for it…below is the shark story as told to a friend on instant messager back on august 8, 2004.

Stupid Monique: where have you been??
HayzoosisPhat: wisconsin
Stupid Monique: did you bring me anything?
HayzoosisPhat: a cheese wheel and merry tidings from various caucasians.
Stupid Monique: lol. you always know what i like.
Stupid Monique: but seriously, where?
HayzoosisPhat: nowhere, baby. just wandering the universe dreaming of you. but seriously…just working
Stupid Monique: blah. no entertaining stories then, i guess.
HayzoosisPhat: psh. i ALWAYS have entertaining stories. i’ll tell you what happened to me yesterday but you’ll never believe me
Stupid Monique: go for it.
HayzoosisPhat: i was almost mauled to death by a shark
Stupid Monique: you don’t say?
HayzoosisPhat: so there i was…swimming in the sea. or as i like to call it, the briny deep…actually i was at the beach. so anways im swimming in the ocean
Stupid Monique: yes.
HayzoosisPhat: and its funny…because minutes earlier i spied some kid’s inflatable orca beach toy drifting out into the sea…and a malicious part of me wanted to holler “SHARK!” just to see people freak out…
HayzoosisPhat: but i didnt. perhaps this is for the best, because if my karma had been REALLY fucked up then right now i might lack the neccesary appendages to write this little tale.
HayzoosisPhat: so, im swimming along trying to swim really cool to impress a couple of sea hotties a few feet away when i notice mad people running out of the water
HayzoosisPhat: so i stop swimming and look up…and i see my mom running towards the water with a “OH SHIT!” look on her face. And a guy on shore yells out “DONT MOVE!”
HayzoosisPhat: my witty response was “huh?”
HayzoosisPhat: “DONT MOVE OR HE’LL COME RIGHT FOR YOU!”
Stupid Monique: oh, jr.
Stupid Monique: what did you do then?
HayzoosisPhat: it was then that i realized the gravity of my situation. Instantly…my brain broke. imagine sitting in your livingroom watching TV…the lights are on, the A/C is on…then suddenly POW! a blackout. yeah, that was what happened to my brain.
HayzoosisPhat: so i froze and looked to my left and there i saw a shark. and not like your baby aquarium shark. im talking a ten foot “im here to eat your first born” shark swimming a scant 2 feet away from me.
Stupid Monique: that’s how you protect yourself from a shark? you stand still? uh. that doesn’t sound too foolproof. so you stayed still. jesus. i would have shat myself.
HayzoosisPhat: In retrospect…i shouldve been screaming like a little bitch. i didnt, because screaming requires at least one major brain function to occur.
Stupid Monique: but i don’t think wetting yourself does. which would have been me.
HayzoosisPhat: i suppose i dont have the best survival instincts out there.
Stupid Monique: how did you get away?
HayzoosisPhat: i didnt so much get away as i stood there…neck high in the atlantic with a shark looking for an excuse to chomp on my nads. and then…well, i guess jabber jaw got tired of me and started to glide away.
Stupid Monique: did you race out? or move slowly?
HayzoosisPhat: i still wasnt moving for shit. i finally worked up enough nerve to inch my way towards the shore…and when i got close enough to the sand to sprint off, i did just that. i ran out of the water, out of the sand and clear into the parking lot like i was a maniac with a hot date.
Stupid Monique: are you going back?
HayzoosisPhat: this, of course, freaked out my mom cause i didnt really stop…she thought the shark came back and ripped my arm off or something.
HayzoosisPhat: needless to say…i wont be going to the beach for a while.
HayzoosisPhat: inflatable wading pools for me from now on, thanks.
Stupid Monique: :[ that’s an awful story. when i said story i meant something lighthearted and not traumatic. how is she now?
HayzoosisPhat: ha. shes ok. it wasnt that traumatic. i mean i laugh about it today but yesterday i lost my shit.
Stupid Monique: you could totally go on maury.
HayzoosisPhat: nah cause then the world would know how much of a bitch i am.
Stupid Monique: i get upset when people have near death experiences.
HayzoosisPhat: no worries, mon chere. im alive, and still an evil bastard
Stupid Monique: now you’ll bag even more groupies. girls love a good escape from death deal.
HayzoosisPhat: totally. this one is going straight to my memoirs.
HayzoosisPhat: sooo….anything cataclysmic happen to YOU lately?
Stupid Monique: i bought neon green rainboots.
HayzoosisPhat: well then…my story pales in comparison.