tuck in your chain.

originally posted 8.16.06
I have ebola.

OK, not really.
In reality its probably bird flu. Or SARS. I cant call it. The point is that Im illin. The C.D.C. has set up a quarantine around my bedroom. Remember when the feds closed in on E.T.? Well its like that. Anyways, I meant to post this blog yesterday but was too ill to sit at my desk at work for more than 40 minutes. If you dont find it amusing, I blame my sickness.

A special little shout out to all the minions at my job who have discovered my myspace blog. You people realize that I cant say half the foul shit I usually do because of your snooping little faces, right? Bastards. You’ll pay for this dearly.

On to my ramblings…

*****

So last Sunday I was chilling with my boy MKS in Malibu (dont ask me why). Were trying our best to pimp in homeboys Honda civic (ha) when we stop at a traffic light on the PCH. Through my aviator lenses I scoped this outrageously gorgeous woman being escorted across the street by some dude. Now, when Im rocking the sunglasses most women who cross my path are blissfully unaware of the leering eyes that are behind them. Some might call this a talent. Others might just say that Im smart enough not to turn my head and drool when a woman passes by. Either way, Im pretty D-L about this behavior. Sadly, MKS is not. Therefore, I blame the following shameful incident on him.

Cut to Malibu. The girl is wearing an oversized pink t-shirt thats clearly concealing the fact shes got on a wet bikini underneath. If we werent already idling at a red light, one would say that she was the type of woman that could stop traffic. I guess her man felt the eyes burning on pink shirts rump because dude stepped out in front, in essence screening us from the spectacular view. In retrospect, it was sort of like watching someone tuck in a platinum chain while riding the subway. Anyhow, I was quickly annoyed at the fact that this really tall black guy was obscuring my view of the woman. Then it hit me who the couple was crossing the street

ME: Am I high, or is that?
MKS: Yes, to both of those questions.

 

When you were a kid, did you ever go to the movies or some place with your family and randomly run into your teacher? Well running into an NBA All-Star and his saucy looking wife is sorta like that. Except I never really felt the desire to peel off my teachers pink t-shirt with my teeth. Anyways, as Kobe and Vanessa are about to touch down on the other side of the street I decided to try and salvage the situation by shooting Kobe the old ‘sup, son?’ cool guy head nod. Yeah, not so much. I got the old ‘Fuck you, cocksucker’ glare in return.

To this, I belatedly reply: fuck you, Kobe Bryant. And shame on you for scooping up Colorado trailer-park trash when THATS what your wife looks like. The light turned green and we rode off, chinkey eyed, into the sunset.

*****

On a related note, an Asian hooker tried to pick me up later that Sunday.

Let me back track a bit.
Still reeling from Vanessa Bryants booty, MKS and I trooped over to Santa Monica to get some hot wings. I had to stop off at my car to grab my jacket, and as I pinged the car alarm this 40 year old Asian woman came up to me. Because Im a man of the people, I have resisted the urge to type her dialogue in the stereotypical stilted Asian dialect (ex: Herro, round eye).

HOE: Hey, can you tell me the time?
ME: Sure. Its about Eight thirty.
HOE: Are you a single guy?
ME: (Mildly flattered) Uh, yes I am. Why?
HOE: Wanna have sex for Fifty Dollars?
ME: HA! wait..what?
HOE: FIFTY DOWWA! (sorry, I couldnt resist)
ME: Shit I dont even HAVE fifty dowwa, I mean dollars.
HOE: Twenty dollars?
ME: Jesus, just twenty dollars? Wait, NO! Hell no!
HOE: Well can you give me a ride to –
ME: Yeah, thats not gonna happen. I appreciate the offer though.
HOE: FUCK YOU.

I get back to MKS, and homeboy was clearly perplexed. Not about the encounter, but about the fact that I passed on paying for sex with a middle aged Asian hooker. I was simply confused about the fact that I was propositioned at all. Consider the fact that this seedy event occurred on the corner of Wilshire and 6th street. Those of you who arent from Cali should equate that corner with Park & 59th in NYC. Not exactly Jerome Avenue or Hunts Point.

It occurs to me that I should really stop hanging out in that neighborhood. If Im not being attacked in the kneecaps by angry dogs, Im being offered sexual favors by haggard Asian ladies. Problem is that 2 of my good friends live over there (three, if you count Big Pookie). I think that people should start visiting ME at my place of residence because Puerto Ricans are apparently not welcome in those parts. And since Im on that subject

here is the mapquest locale of my place.

Visit me, motherfuckers. But dont rob me. I dont own anything of value.

Seriously.

*****

A good friend of mine turned 29 years of age a few weeks ago. I mention this joyous occasion not because Im guilty about having blown off his birthday party (Because Im not. Cmon… I was not gonna pay $150 to go to a fucking RAVE downtown). Instead I mention this event because there is a mildly amusing story I will now share. The names have been changed to protect the innocent from humiliation.

For the purposes of this story, lets call my homeboy JTS.

JTS and 4-5 other people met up for sushi on the night of his actual birthday. The Rave festivities werent going to jump off until the weekend, so there was a nice little mid-week get-together among the inner circle of our crew. Typical for a gathering of this clique, it was on when the drinks were served. 2 hours worth of Sake-bombs later there was more spilling than chilling going on at the table. This was all good, because the only semi-serious topic of conversation over dinner was a camping trip JTS was trying to arrange for the following weekend.

After sushi, the party moved over to JTSs crib. On a recent trip to Mexico he picked up a few of bottles of Johnny Walker Blue Label and Green label. Of course, the crew dipped into those as well. I mention this not because I like bragging about how much the people I know drink, but because this information is essential when explaining what happens next.

It was a weeknight, so everyone had to get up for work the following day. Stragglers ended up leaving JTSs place around 2:00 a.m., but apparently the kid wasnt sleepy. His mind got to clicking, which is never a good thing when youre piss-in-your-pants drunk. It occurred to JTS that there was someone he failed to invite to that camping trip. At this fucked up hour he decides to drunk dial the fiancé of a member of our crew (No, its not THAT kinda scandal). Dude leaves a message and then goes about his business.

The next morning JTS got a very hostile phone call from the agitated fiancé. She works in a hospital, and as you might be aware those people work obscene hours. She had to be up at 5:00 a.m., and heres this asshole calling her at 2:00 a.m. to invite her on a god damned camping trip. However, things took an unforeseen turn when she listened to the entirety of his voice mail. Apparently, JTS failed to correctly hang up the Bluetooth earpiece for his cell phone. When he finished leaving the message, our boy decided to break out the weed and take bong hits. Audibly, there was a bit of Bubble Bubble-Cough Cough going on. Its nothing too bad, but its still kinda funny. But once he was done with the trees, JTS decides to break out the porn. So heres this chick, listening to the voice message on her phone and shes forced to listen to sluts moan in ecstasy and the unmistakable sound of JTSwell, you fill in that blank.

JTS was obviously mortified (but not THAT mortified). And while there is plenty of humiliation involved with this tale, the funniest thing to me about this story is that she ended up going on the camping trip. I love my friends. Just not as much as some people.

*****

I need a vacation. Times have gotten so bad that I honestly considered accepting a crime related business proposition. Some broad wanted me to steal the bike of guy who sexually harassed her. I dont know if Im ready to break into the field of goonery just yet, so I kept it moving. Im not sure what this has to do with my needing a vacation, but it felt like something that I should mention.

I digress.

I need a vacation. I have a couple of weeks rolled up at my job, but unfortunately I lack the creativity or the desire to plan anything cool. If you are silly enough to have read this blog all the way through, I implore you to make a suggestion. Fame, fortune, and magnificent prizes await you should I select the place you recommend. But more likely, youll receive my undying appreciation.

*****

Some quick comments:

1 – Fuck Lenin S. My ex-roommate fled from los angeles because he had “urgent private family business” that needed his attention in NYC. turns out he moved to San Diego instead. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – NEVER TRUST A PUERTO RICAN.

2 – At long last the de facto “Neal Cassady” of my college crew is done with his indentured servitude to the US Marine Corps. Peace to Crazy Jeff. We’ve got your back, family.

3 – It occurs to me that I should probably get around to throwing a party at my new place before the summer ends. Before I make even the slightest effort towards this end, I would like to guage the interest of those who would be likely to attend. If nobody says shit…there wont BE shit. I’m quite the poet, I know…

and with that…i’m done. i promise to not make these blogs a once-in-a-epoch affair. forill, though.