ten thousand spoons.

originally posted 04.03.07

where is my knife?

i assume many of you have heard the song “lady lumps” by fergie. yeah, that song annoys me too. never mind the fact that her music is simple – i’ve been disgusted by fergie ever since i saw those pics of her with piss stains all over her clothes. Christ, muster some dignity, lady.

apparently i’m not the only one who thinks fergie is the skankiest 45 year old woman to ever dress like a teen aged hooker. alanis morissette just released a cover of “lady lumps” that is actually pretty funny. i suppose its more of a satire than an homage. check it out and you be the judge:

interesting.

i like the idea of re-interpreting songs in such a way that makes you spend a little more time thinking about the lyrics (prime example: rjd2′s take on the jay-z song “december 4th“). i compliment this song with complete trepidation, because of my sordid history with alanis morissette. she may not be aware of it, but i have waged a jihad against her (to the spook at the NSA reading this blog: no not REALLY).

alanis and i go way back. we were first introduced during my sophomore year in college when i was doing the whole “frat boy pledging” thing. hell week had finally arrived. typically this is when the pledging process is supposed to be at its most intolerable. the brothers took great care to warn us all semester about the impending torture. me, i’m sort of a “be here now” kind of character, so i figured i’d deal with whatever happened as it came. i foolishly thought that nothing short of crucifixion would break my spirit. it took almost no time for me to realize how blind and arrogant i had been.

i won’t go into all the details of hell week, because heaven forbid that my blog would inadvertently fuck up the social life of some unsuspecting frat guys in central new york. there was some good, some bad, and a heaping assload of ugly. i will say that one of the highlights for me was the fact that every night of the week in question, each member of our pledge class was expected to sleep with alanis morissette.

let me explain.

every night of hell week my pledge class was forced to spend all of our waking hours (not in class) holed up in the basement of the fraternity house. we slept on the floor, carefully aligning our bodes inside the faux chalk outlines drawn with masking tape all over the room. while trying to sleep on the sticky, rank smelling floor another indignity was foisted upon us. the giant speakers the brothers used during house parties were aligned right by our heads. playing at piercingly high volumes all day and all night was one particular song set to repeat ad nauseum.

you guessed it: “ironic” by alanis morissette*.

let me tell you a thing or two about this motherfucking song. absolutely nothing that this bitch says is ironic. NOTHING. how are you going to name a song “ironic” and not have one element of the song actually BE ironic**? actually, thats a bit of a paradox – the fact that the song “ironic” in no way displays any irony is in fact rather ironic. i hope you followed that because you’ll be quizzed later on.

and for those of you who weren’t forced by your parents to read the dictionary when you were 7 years old, here is the textbook definition:

rain on your wedding day? not ironic.

another little known fact about the song ironic – when you play tracks from “jagged little pill” on repeat it takes 13 seconds for the track to recycle. tell your friends. sweet jesus i hate that song. my body even hates that song. true story: whenever i hear that song at a bar, on the radio, on television or anywhere….my right eye twitches involuntarily. i’m so not joking. sneak attack me with that song one day and you will see it for yourself. its quite the creepy phenomenon, on par with that sketchy thing that happens to your vision when you touch index fingers an inch away from your nose.

thus, because of the mental anguish (read: post traumatic stress disorder) her song has inflicted upon me, tensions between alanis and i remain high. but don’t you worry your pretty little face off – she’s canadian, so there is exactly .0073% of a chance that miss morissette will beat me at anything besides ice hockey. i don’t know when or where but i will have my revenge against that crazy bitch. we’ll see how she likes being trapped in a basement listening to reggaeton all night…

*some other evil songs pledge classes had to endure:

• good vibrations – marky mark & the funky bunch
• faith – limp bizkit
• bohemian rhapsody – queen
• head like a hole – nine inch nails
• my baby daddy – b-rock & the biz
• 1,2,3,4 – coolio

**i suppose you could make the argument that “10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife” is sort of ironic. however if you made that argument i might have to punch you in the face.