chill with my monkey.

originally posted 03.25.07

so today i’m reading fark.com and i found the following news article:

Monkey owner says sex tape allegation false

02:02 PM CDT on Monday, March 26, 2007

By LAUREN D’AVOLIO / The Dallas Morning News
ldavolio@dallasnews.com

The head of a Plano school district facility that houses exotic animals said Monday he fears for his professional future there after comments he made were reported in a local newspaper.

The Plano Star Courier quoted Jim Dunlap as saying a pet owner was having sexual relations with a rhesus macaque monkey seized last month by authorities. The head of Plano ISD’s Living Materials Center said the pet owner, Bobby Crawford Jr., sent a box of toys for Darwin the monkey to play with while being held there. In that box was an audiotape.

“After listening to the tape, Dunlap said Crawford made references to Darwin and himself engaging in mutual stimulation,” the story read.

Mr. Crawford said there was nothing sexually suggestive on the tape, and called Mr. Dunlap’s initial conclusion “ridiculous.”

“I don’t have sex with my monkey. That’s absolute crap,” Mr. Crawford said. “Why would I do that?”

In an interview Monday with The Dallas Morning News, Mr. Dunlap said he’s been going through “holy hell” over the story.

“I’ve been expecting any moment to get a phone call from my supervisor saying, ‘You’ve been put on administrative leave,’ or from somebody saying, ‘I’m suing,’” Mr. Dunlap said.

Mr. Dunlap added he made a “gross error” and that his interpretation of the tape was just that – his and no one else’s.

“I interpreted what I heard and saw in my own way, and I can’t say that’s correct. It’s just me, what I think. I can’t argue with Mr. Crawford about what he meant,” Mr. Dunlap said. “I took it on surface value about what he said. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. He may be totally honest and right in what he thinks about the way he sounded.”

Mr. Crawford’s monkey was among numerous animals seized because of violations of city and state rules on the keeping of animals.

Mr. Crawford vowed at the time to leave Plano, and said Monday that in order to legally keep Darwin he has moved into a barn on a friend’s property in Kaufman County. The monkey was returned to him Friday.

He said he did send Darwin a tape, but that he was probably crying when he recorded it and that it contains nothing but comforting baby-talk.

“I gave him an audiotape, but it didn’t have anything like that on it, ” Mr. Crawford said. “It said, “I’m coming home, I’m coming to get you. Daddy’s coming, he’s coming to get you.’”

School district officials couldn’t be reached for comment.
source

upon reading this article i immediately thought the following:

bullshit.
i call bullshit. he fucked that monkey, and he knows it. dude is making sad mixtapes like a scorned freshman would for his first ex-girlfriend. i was outraged that this sketchy monkey fucker would try to pull a fast one on the innocent public (i.e. those who hold sacred the sexual virtue of primates). and the audacity of him to think that by skipping town he could EVER live down his reputation. You cant just un-ring the bestiality bell. in a frenzy i made my case to the internet via bulletin board. here are some of the responses…

• “nah, i’m cool. i’m just gonna stay home, chill with my monkey.”
• “chim chim jerked me off with her feet last night”
• “only a monkey can show you that sort love and tenderness”

however, my favorite response was made by some character who posted this:

“I don’t have sex with my monkey. That’s absolute crap,” Mr. Crawford said. “Why would I do that?”

curious george is forever ruined for me. how can i possibly be expected to read my children those books without breaking into hysterics? the man in the yellow hat buggered curious george? in that context the name “curious george” takes on a sinister connotation. awful. i need to shower after reading this.