BITCH DON’T CORRECT ME!

originally posted 03.04.07

guh?

its my mom’s birthday this week.

my mother is a fucking character. my dad is pretty much a humorless nerd, so any sense of comedy residing in me comes from mom. for example, this is a joke she told me today (during our weekly sunday call):

this pimp has 2 of the dirtiest hoes you’ve ever seen, and its time to collect. he tells the first hoe:
“bitch you owe me $500…pay up!”
the hoe says “but i only owe you $300!”
the pimp slaps her and says ‘BITCH DONT CORRECT ME!”
The pimp goes up to the 2nd hoe and asks her for the $500 she owes him. The hoe replies “but i only owe you $250!”
the pimp slaps the shit out of her too and says “BITCH DONT CORRECT ME!”
So then the pimp goes up to the third hoe and is like “Bitch you owe me $500…pay up!”

*breaking character* when the person you’re telling the joke to says “i thought
there were only 2 hoes?” you’re supposed to slap them in the face and yell
“BITCH DONT CORRECT ME!”

this is hilarious to me on a number of levels:

• first, please believe that mom’s delivery is half the joke. this is a lady who understands the key to telling a good joke is timing.
• but even beyond that, it’s funny to me that my mom thinks about pimps at all, much less pimps slapping up hoes.
• there’s something about the phrase “BITCH DONT CORRECT ME” that seems a little too proper for a hoe slappin’ pimp. i imagine someone else told my mom that joke using more colorful phrases, and that “bitch don’t correct me” was the best interpretation she could manage to produce.
• why did my mom think that anyone was going to notice that there were 3 hoes being slapped instead of two? and does she really think that someone is going to let you slap them? i suppose i’m missing the point.
• i shudder to think about what crossed my mother’s mind when the person who told her this joke asked her to conjure in her mind an image of “2 of the dirtiest hoes you’ve ever seen”

regardless, she’s awesome for even breaking off that joke at all. happy birthday mom. you’re sketchy. and i dig that about you.

******

for some reason these re-cut movie trailers are hilarious to me. i won’t even try to explain this. just watch them….you’ll be amused:

the shining

big

mary poppins

******

the good, the bad, and the ugly.

is it sketchy that i’m physically attracted to ugly betty? america ferrera is gross in a way that makes you want to do terribly naughty things with her. what ever happened to the days where i lusted over salma hayek? have my standards really sunk this low?

******

i have so much fucking writing to do if i’m going to have 30 new articles before march 15th. excuse the fact that his is a cheap one, but as you can see i usually write looooong ass stories. the details are what entertains me when writing blogs.

by the way the name blog needs to be eliminated. it just sounds wack. i’m not sure who thought shortening the words “web log” into “blog” was a good idea, but whoever that fucker is, he/she were wrong. same goes for that creepy name co-mingling thing thats going on. brangelina? bennifer? stop all that.