consumption addict

ask nas… dissing jay makes for a hard knock life.

congrats to jay-z for silencing the critics and tearing up the pyramid stage at the 2008 glastonbury music festival.  many people in europe weren’t too thrilled to have a hip-hop act headlining one of the premier concerts of the summer.  but all of us stateside know… jay isn’t your typical gold chain rapper, is he?  still, doubters like the frontman for oasis had their say:

“Sorry, but Jay-Z? Fucking no chance. Glastonbury has a tradition of guitar music, do you know what I mean? Even when they throw the odd curveball in on a Sunday night and you go, Kylie Minogue? Don’t know about that.”

According to the BBC, Gallagher, whose band Oasis headlined the festival in 1995 and 2004, also said: “I’m not having hip-hop at Glastonbury. It’s wrong.“  LINK

the cover of oasis’ “wonderwall” at the top of the set was ill advised, mostly because dude really can’t sing.  but i think everyone got the joke once jay transitioned from that cover to his own “99 problems.”  noel, we feel bad for you, son.

here is video of his whole set, courtesy of BBC.  watch it all the way through if for no other reason than to see jay-z perform “encore” at the end:

this is a bad scene.

let me preface this article by saying that drunk driving is a fucked up thing to do.

in no way do i condone putting people’s lives at risk in this way.  not only do you endanger the lives of others, but you put your own freedom at risk when you leave yourself open for a DUI (as a number of my friends can attest to).  that being said… lets face it - most of us have driven drunk before.  is it shameful that we did so?  yes, very.  did any amusing drunk stories come about because of this sin?  absolutely.  today i was prompted by a thread on tehbored to describe one such amusing incident in my past…

five or six years ago i drove around downtown ft. lauderdale - for about 20 minutes - mindlessly steering my car into oncoming traffic while looking for some random party on a house boat.  i finally snapped back into reality because of a “planes, trains & automobiles” moment:

after riding around town like an idiot, i finally found myself idling at a red light (because *that* traffic law i was cool with obeying).  having spent most of the voyage oblivious to my surroundings, i finally noticed some chick on the street hollering at me to roll down the window.   here i am thinking she’s about to spit game, but instead shes all “you’re going the wrong way.”  i swear to god my boy lenny - who was riding shotgun and was significantly drunker than i - shouted back “bitch, you don’t know where the fuck we’re going!”

that phrase - almost identical to the one delivered by john candy in “planes, trains and automobiles” - rang a bell in my subconscious:   in that flick, when the drivers said that to steve martin they… and in the movie the trucks happened, and then… oh shit.

at that moment it dawned on me that i was staring at a face full of headlights.   ooops.

yep.  it pretty much happened like this. (scroll to 4:30)

needless to say, once my brain realized the peril we were in i pulled off the road and began freaking right the fuck out.  lenny didn’t understand why i was bugging, and i was way too apoplectic to explain myself in a coherent way.   i think we finally did end up at that boat party, but i was so shook that i didn’t enjoy the festivities one iota.  plus our homegirl gloria got into some drama, but that’s a whole other saga.

sooo… thats my drunk driving story.  or one of them, anyway (so sad).  if you’re not too ashamed… break off some of your own in the comments.

oh hell no.

i assume that most everyone has seen or heard about shaq’s now infamous rap dedicated to kobe bryant.  if not, i invite you to watch this vid.  it goes without saying that this is not safe for work:

that’s just awful…

man on man annilingus?  thats a no-no.  kobe, i sincerely hope that you have no idea what any dude’s ass tastes like, much less shaq’s.   in the pantheon of creepy comments made by athletes, this one has got to be way up there.   not quite #1, though… here are my top 5.  feel free to add on any others you think should have made the cut:

5) “Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.” — john rocker

4) “I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.” — mike tyson

3) “I love ‘em, I don’t leave ‘em… I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.  kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.” — shaquille o’neal

2) “One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an infantile retard.” — mike tyson

1) “Wanna see my patriot missile?“  — zeke mowat (after whipping his junk out in front of a female reporter)

everybody wants some.

it’s been years since anyone has come up with a clever/innovative sexual maneuver.   insulin shock sex?  yes it’s a classic, but one that’s been around since the days of claus von bulow.  the dirty sanchez?  please, that shit is mad old and more than a little bit unpleasant.  the superman?   it’s right sleazy enough, but soulja boy doesn’t deserve any credit for inventing something.  besides, at the moment that little guy is having enough problems dealing with ice-t.

think about it… its 2008 and no new ground is being broken in terms of sexual fetishes or techniques.  that is until last night, when i (and to a lesser extent - my sketchy collaborator kate) conceptualized a new and exciting procedure:

dipping a girl head to toe in seasoned batter, and then penetrating her from behind over a boiling hot fry-o-lator.   we call it “the hot dog on a stick.“

*waits for applause*

-cough-

…

*still waiting*

anyhow, here is a link that showcases the grain of thought which led to this brilliant, but as-yet-unappreciated breakthrough.  don’t like it?  fuck you, we thought it was fantastic.  it’s high time someone came up with something interesting.  i challenge you - dear reader - to come up with something as demented and/or clever.  submit your brain child below.

my heart actually hurts from knowing he’s gone.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Comedian George Carlin, a counter-culture hero famed for his routines about drugs and dirty words, died of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital on Sunday, a spokesman said. He was 71.

Carlin, who had a history of heart problems, died at St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica about 6 p.m. PDT (2 a.m. British time) after being admitted earlier in the afternoon for chest pains, spokesman Jeff Abraham told Reuters.

Known for his edgy, provocative material, Carlin achieved status as an anti-Establishment icon in the 1970s with stand-up bits full of drug references and a routine about seven dirty words you could not say on television. A regulatory battle over a radio broadcast of his “Filthy Words” routine ultimately reached the U.S. Supreme Court.  LINK

here are some videos of his work, because there are no words that i could conjure that would ever accurately describe how brilliant a comedian he was:

saving the planet

things you never see

the ten commandments

white people

voting

a lot of his early work was just as if not more brilliant.  in the coming days many will reference his “7 words you can’t say on television” skit.  admittedly, that was brilliant.  so were his books, like “brain droppings” and “napalm & silly putty.”   however i was always a fan of his older, curmudgeon with an acid tongue phase.  even though i didn’t agree with everything he said, i had a great appreciation for carlin’s mind… and his comedic skills?  they were just beyond reproach.

any conversations about the greatest comedians of all time have to include his name.  george carlin, rest in peace.  the world is a less funny place now that you’re gone.